I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
