I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
Randomize
