90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
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