Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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