Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
