the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
