I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
What happened to fro yo and sex?
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Randomize
