I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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