Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
