I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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