Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
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