I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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