I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
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