It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
