dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize