My girlfriend figured out who you are.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
Randomize
