I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
do nipples grow back?
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