U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
