is your mom at the bar?
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
