Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
please don't ironically join a cult
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