well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
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