If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
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