Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
Randomize
