the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
