I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
someone owes me an orgasm
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
Randomize
