I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
