He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
being a senior sucks, I just started embracing my inner slutty college girl, and it's almost time to put her away...for like, ever. and i really like her.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Randomize
