I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
