apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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