Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
