So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
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