this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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