so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Randomize
