It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Randomize
