tell your sister to shave her snatch
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I want her autograph on my taint
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Randomize
