I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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