Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
We need to feng shui this bitch.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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