Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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