I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
