I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
It was like getting head from an anaconda
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
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