I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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