True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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