Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
