I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
