bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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