I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
stupid gm bankruptcy made me miss the showcase showdown
Those cock suckers. We need to know who's winning the hot tub and the vacation to the alps
well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
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