idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
Randomize
