Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I just blew my weed a kiss
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
