Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
