Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
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