So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
