Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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