I can tuck mytits in my pants
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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