i just had sex bonerless
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
