dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
