I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Randomize
